I Wanna But I Don't Wanna

When kid middle was a toddler she had a dream in which she saw her favorite toy, a toy crab, in the deeper side of the pool.  In order to get her toy back she would need to go under water to retrieve it and this was not her desired action.  Going under water caused her ears to hurt and she wanted to avoid the pain.  She woke up whining, “I wanna but I don’t wanna”.  This phrase has stuck with our family to mean I want to do something but I have some hesitations, I want to avoid the pain it might cause.

This is the phrase that has been in my head for the past month.  Many of my good friends have already left Delhi.  They have moved onto their next homes or have escaped the Delhi heat for the summer time and will return after I have gone.  I find myself walking around a bit slower and just breathing.  Although with the Delhi air one should be careful about doing this too often.  I will miss Delhi.  The way of life is one thing.  Having a fulltime housekeeper to manage my house and a full time driver to drive my kids and myself through the annoying Delhi traffic will be missed.  The persons who filled those jobs will be missed as well. 

It is not so much that the tasks in my house are done for me and I don’t have to do them but the time I have because these tasks are done that I will miss.  I love having the time to sit on the couch in the living room and just chat with my family.  It feels like we have gone on vacation and are sitting around enjoying each other’s company but it’s every day.  I love that!  It’s not just having someone else drive the car. As a passenger I have the capability to look at the other passengers in the car with me and speak to them while looking at them, eye to eye.  The actual face time with my loved ones I have been afforded here will be missed.  Back in the US one of us will need to drive the car and do the housekeeping work and manage the household maintenance, this will all be spread evenly among us but it will take away from our time together, and that will be missed.

There are things I will not miss about Delhi and I look forward to after arriving in our new home.  The release from the dependency on the staff will be nice.  If I want to go somewhere I can just take the car and go.  No need to wait for the driver or arrange the transportation details, I can just go.  Seems so simple but it will be a pleasure.  Set and know prices, no need to ask for the price and then insist that the price was not this same price yesterday.  We are all looking forward to some better air quality.  Three out of five in this household have been using an inhaler while in Delhi.  Some people here believe the doctors are too quick to place people on an inhaler but when I was the one suffering I must admit, it sure felt good to breathe.  The chest pain and the feeling of my collar, no matter how far away from my neck line it fell, was always too tight for my comfort.  The feeling that I had just been in an inverted position with all the blood gone to my head and now am walking upright with the blood not going back down past the neck.  Not that sinus blockage feeling but the blood in my head not flowing south of the neck area is a very uncomfortable feeling.  I was reluctant when one and then two of the kids were placed on inhalers.  I began to think like so many others, that doctors are far too easily prescribing inhalers for issues related to lungs.  I reluctantly had the kids follow the doctor’s orders to use the inhaler but I was not really a big pusher of the “twice a day no matter what”.   Not until it was myself who suffered from it.  Wow breathing is really a nice thing, and I have really come to value that very reflex we are born with.  Breathing is good.  Take some of that ability to breath away and at first it isn’t all that missed but slowly you really do miss it.  For the sake of breathing I wanna.  Also for the sake of those who I left in order to move to India, I wanna.  To hug and kiss my baby nieces and nephews, I wanna.  To be in the land of convenient stores and easy access to gluten free and the knowledge that I will pay the same price as everyone else who enters this same store will pay for these same items, I wanna.  Ready or not here we go, we will miss India and all it was for us but it’s time to move on.  I wanna but I don’t wanna-go.